Spring
As I sit outside this morning listening to the birds chirp and see my flowers blooming, I can’t help but
wonder why my heart always fills with darkness in the spring. I don’t know that it’s always been this
way, but it seems to happen more often than not these last couple of years. It’s counter-intuitive, really.
And I hate it.
Could it be I dread the impending blaze of summer? Or that spring usually marks the end of something?
When my kids were younger, it was school years and the sadness of losing their favorite teachers. Again. As they were in high school, it was one year that ticked closer to them graduating and leaving home. And those years literally felt like moments. Then they were seniors in high school and spring meant an end of that era. It also meant there was a sprint to the finish line of that era – senior pictures, graduation announcements, finals, parties… the list grew by the day.
The spring that preceded their high school graduations were full of uncertainty. Were they going to college? If so, where? Would they leave the sanctity of our home? How would I be able to function if I couldn’t see them every day? See for myself that they were okay? It felt like the Panic Express on the Mom Super Highway.
One spring brought about an assault on someone that I love. That spring was filled with police, counselors and sleepless nights.
My birthday is also in the spring – April. What a great, seasonable time to have a birthday. But as the years tick on, it becomes harder and harder for me to believe that I’m as old as I am. Am I the 50- something know-it-all busybody? Is there any ‘cool’ left in my cool factor? The mirror tells me what I don’t want to hear every morning and the calendar confirms it. But the alternative isn’t good and those results are final. Nobody wants to die young, but we don’t want to get old either. It is a strange internal battle.
Spring also ushered in severe health issues with my dad. From needing a heart transplant, to finding his kidneys failing. Spring brought that, too. This spring brought my mom in an ambulance, a week in the hospital and the realization that she’s the glue that holds everything together. I’m sure it doesn’t help that my business is seasonal and spring is a busy time. I can only imagine that exhaustion also plays a role in my darkness.
This spring took my sweet dog Sophie in an instant one spring night. After sitting outside all day enjoying the weather. It still doesn’t seem real. I still look for her.
Spring equals growth, which equates to change. I guess it’s change that I’m not very good at. My personality is one that wants to predict, plan and prepare. But even then, I want change to come from me. And on my clock. Which I know isn’t reasonable OR fair.
I met my sweet husband in the spring, so I guess all change isn’t bad. He was a welcome star in my dark night. And he’s shined the brightest of them all – even after 25 years of me.
I guess I’m just more of an autumn girl. We got married in the fall (October). My girls were born at the end of summer. My dad received his heart transplant in October, his kidney came from me in the fall, too. My best things happen then. The temperatures drop and Christmas is on the horizon.
So, here we are again. Spring. Change is in the air. Uncertainty is at it’s peak. My urge to flee is high. But at least I can go outside. At least for a few more days.
Could it be I dread the impending blaze of summer? Or that spring usually marks the end of something?
When my kids were younger, it was school years and the sadness of losing their favorite teachers. Again. As they were in high school, it was one year that ticked closer to them graduating and leaving home. And those years literally felt like moments. Then they were seniors in high school and spring meant an end of that era. It also meant there was a sprint to the finish line of that era – senior pictures, graduation announcements, finals, parties… the list grew by the day.
The spring that preceded their high school graduations were full of uncertainty. Were they going to college? If so, where? Would they leave the sanctity of our home? How would I be able to function if I couldn’t see them every day? See for myself that they were okay? It felt like the Panic Express on the Mom Super Highway.
One spring brought about an assault on someone that I love. That spring was filled with police, counselors and sleepless nights.
My birthday is also in the spring – April. What a great, seasonable time to have a birthday. But as the years tick on, it becomes harder and harder for me to believe that I’m as old as I am. Am I the 50- something know-it-all busybody? Is there any ‘cool’ left in my cool factor? The mirror tells me what I don’t want to hear every morning and the calendar confirms it. But the alternative isn’t good and those results are final. Nobody wants to die young, but we don’t want to get old either. It is a strange internal battle.
Spring also ushered in severe health issues with my dad. From needing a heart transplant, to finding his kidneys failing. Spring brought that, too. This spring brought my mom in an ambulance, a week in the hospital and the realization that she’s the glue that holds everything together. I’m sure it doesn’t help that my business is seasonal and spring is a busy time. I can only imagine that exhaustion also plays a role in my darkness.
This spring took my sweet dog Sophie in an instant one spring night. After sitting outside all day enjoying the weather. It still doesn’t seem real. I still look for her.
Spring equals growth, which equates to change. I guess it’s change that I’m not very good at. My personality is one that wants to predict, plan and prepare. But even then, I want change to come from me. And on my clock. Which I know isn’t reasonable OR fair.
I met my sweet husband in the spring, so I guess all change isn’t bad. He was a welcome star in my dark night. And he’s shined the brightest of them all – even after 25 years of me.
I guess I’m just more of an autumn girl. We got married in the fall (October). My girls were born at the end of summer. My dad received his heart transplant in October, his kidney came from me in the fall, too. My best things happen then. The temperatures drop and Christmas is on the horizon.
So, here we are again. Spring. Change is in the air. Uncertainty is at it’s peak. My urge to flee is high. But at least I can go outside. At least for a few more days.
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